Sex in Elmhurst, pastrami in Rancho Santa Margarita and why you might want to stay away from Milton Keynes

So I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, I've run out of Nicole Kidman movies and gotta kill some time--Sometimes the World Wide Web will astonish you, even now. You gotta go try Google Trends, and I thank the estimable Mark Morford at SF Gate and the San Francisco Chronicle for the tip.

Google Trends provides you with a view of who searched for what, or at least which community used which search words the most over any period of time. For instance, the good citizens of Portland, Oregon, used the search term “impeach Bush” more than any other American city, followed by Madison, Wisconsin and San Francisco. Austin, Texas came in eighth. Amazing. Elmhurst, Ill., was the community that searched the word “sex” the most, which means there is some serious stuff going on in Elmhurst and I can’t imagine what. As Morford writes:

Turns out Elmhurst is also, at least for 2006, the town most actively looking up "anal sex" (followed closely by Norfolk, Va., and, of course, San Antonio, Texas). And also "porn." And also "gay porn" (just ahead of Las Vegas). And also "vibrator." Do you sense a trend? I sense a trend. And also someplace I might need to get a summer home.

There’s more:

“American Idol?” Honolulu, Hawaii -- by a strangely huge margin. "Gas prices"? Minneapolis. "Dildo"? That would be Oslo, Norway. "Dildo," among U.S. cities? Tampa, Fla. "Tom Cruise"? Cambridge, Mass. "Tom Cruise gay"? Irvine and New York. "Da Vinci Code"? Salt Lake City. "Gun control"? Cincinnati. And "Viagra," for 2006? That's Fort Worth, Texas. Go figure.

You can also graph comparisons and find news stories that are matched to the graphs. This is too much!

So I did my own checking, randomly. If you are a child, you want to stay the hell away from Milton Keynes, England, where they look up “spanking” more than any other place in the world. They also look up “spanking girls” more than any place. Cairo is the world-wide winner for “sex” outside the U.S., followed by three cities in India and then Turkey. Detroit is into “nude celebrities” and Salt Lake City comes in sixth.

More people looked up “evolution” in Salt Lake City than any place else and “intelligent design” is very big in Philadelphia, which makes no sense whatsoever. Jesus is very big in Salt Lake City [they spend a lot of time on computers there, don't they?] and Spokane is high on Moses, even if the Jewish community is negligible. Ms. Kidman is big in Nashville even if she can't even sing very well, while Tom Hanks ranks highest in...er...well...Salt Lake City. Hmmm.

It’s in beta but you could blow a good afternoon wandering around. Meanwhile, I’m off to Rancho Santa Margarita, California, where more people looked up the word “pastrami” than any place else in America.

[Photo: Elmhurst, Ill.]