Thursday, May 18, 2006
The wonderful world of animal sex, or Jerry Fallwell's ancestors screwed chimps
If you’d put down that banana and come here, we could cuddle and pick lice--Sometime in the dark past, human and chimpanzees had a common ancestor. We all know that--well, most of us anyway. And some time, millions of years ago, the two species split and headed in different directions. When, is controversial, and now how, is going to send the fundamentalist up walls. It turns out that for lots of years--how do I say this--our human ancestors were doing it with the chimp ancestors. They were fucking monkeys. [Sorry.] They were interbreeding. [That’s better.] According to a new paper in Nature by scientists at the Broad Institute in Cambridge, Mass., the split of the two species occurred 7 million years ago based on skull evidence, and 5.4 years ago based to genetic evidence. That doesn’t compute. The best theory to explain this little discrepancy is that there were two splits: one that allowed interbreeding between the two species, and a second one that resolved into species too divergent to breed, except by perverts. In other words, for more than two million year, our ancestors....you know. The first humanoid fossils were bipedal; the chimp ancestors dragged their knuckles on the ground when they walked. This apparently did not stop romance. Since hybrid populations usually produce sterile offspring (see the mule), the most logical explanation would be for hybrid females to mate with male chimps, which explains professional wrestling. We humans derived from both the hybrid population and the original humanoids.
What’s snow white, has a hump, and now is the time to run like hell?--Speaking of hybrids and sex between species, researchers in Canada have confirmed that an American hunter killed a polar-grizzly hybrid bear last month. People have suspected such a thing was possible--they’ve been paired in zoos-- but this bear is the first found in the wild. That is one serious bear. It was shot last month on the southern end of Banks Island in the Beaufort Sea, Northwest Territories. The Inuit guide, who knows his bears, thought it looked really odd. It’s eyes were ringed with black, the rest of the fur was white, its face was slightly indented, it had a hump and very long and very sharp claws. The hunter, Jim Martell, who paid $45,450 for a license to kill polar bears, was allowed to keep the trophy.
OK! I’ll refinance! I’ll grow a larger penis! I’ll buy your Viagra! Just shut up--And speaking of animals... For several years, a Silicon Valley company, Blue Security, has been at war with spammers who used spam for extortion. There were miscreants, mostly in Central Europe and Russia, who would bombard companies with enough spam, to jam a company’s system. Then, for a fee, they’d stop. When the Mafia acts like that, it’s called extortion. Eran Reshef, the founder of Blue Security, worked out a way to fight back. He would protect your company by spamming the spammers. At one time, he bombarded the spammers with messages from all 522,000 of his customers simultaneously. It shut them down for a while, and some of known spammers quit. But not all. One Russian spammer recently counterattacked, hijacking tens of thousands of computers to flood Blue Security’s network. It brought down the security company’s website and spread to others. The spammer also warned that unless Blue Security surrendered, it would shoot virus-laden messages at Reshef’s clients. This week, Reshef gave up, his company is out of business. His server is offline. The FBI is investigating but we all know how efficient they are.